so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
