thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize