His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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