you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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