I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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