Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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