jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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