I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
