she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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