I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
