Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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