how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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