It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
