When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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