I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
