I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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