Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
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