Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
North Korea, Best Korea!
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
