life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
