I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
