whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
