I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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