I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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