Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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