Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
