She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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