Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
