my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
