I'm so fucking centered right now
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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