Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
