did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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