Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
