Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
