so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
