Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
