o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
