I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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