My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
