I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
