just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize