I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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