my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
