yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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