New low: just hacked my moms facebook
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
