yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
