As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
a search helicopter?!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
