I didn't shave. On purpose
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
