ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize