She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
