he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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