I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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