One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
