2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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