dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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