I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
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