Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
