I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
