take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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