Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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