i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
